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Friday, August 8, 2014

ONE YEAR

One year ago tonight, sweet Eddie let go and said goodbye to us surrounded by special friends and me with a waiting room full of most special people and our children.  We told him we loved him and that it was ok to go.  I never could have imagined the emptiness I would feel without him, the struggles I would face being a single parent or the fear that the best came and went so quickly.  Yet, here I am still standing and somehow surviving through it all.  I suppose the best part, if I was to say there was one, is seeing the true humanity that does exist.  There have been so many new friends that have come my way, so many incredibly special people that might not otherwise have crossed my path.  While of course they are not "worth" having lost Eddie, they certainly have made this road more bearable.  They have helped to reaffirm that when God closes a door he opens a window and that even after the darkest nights, the sun does shine.  It isn't always easy to remember during those dark nights but I try.
I thank all of those that have been here for us this year, that hold us up and carry us through the darkness, that have not forgotten us and that continue to wish us peace.
We wrote notes to Eddie on balloons today and sent them up to the heavens.  I hope he somehow sees the words and somehow lets us know.  We miss him dearly… forever in our hearts.

Hugs,
Lorin

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

BIRTHDAYS COME.. BIRTHDAYS GO

Most of us take our birthdays for granted.  Each year we know they will come and perhaps we will do a dinner, have a party for the "bigger" ones, a lunch with friends and then the day passes.  They come, and they go.

But Eddie's came this past Sunday, July 27th, and there was no dinner with friends to plan, no surprise lunch, no present to buy, no cake to get and no candles to light.  There were no "Happy Birthday to you" to be sung.  No smiling kids faces celebrating their dad.  Worst of all, it would have been his 50th and I most certainly would have done something big for him.  We loved surprising each other on our birthdays.

We celebrated him in our own way by going to a baseball game in Texas with my family and it was the best way to honor the day I suppose.  HIs birthday will keep coming and going but never the same way as before when it really was a celebration of him.  Eddie loved his birthday and I know why - because it truly was a blessed day for those of us who knew him and loved him. 

Celebrate your birthdays... you mean something to at least one person just for being here.

Hugs,
Lorin

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

A Blessing for Today

I love this prayer that I stumbled upon awhile ago - it sits on my wall at work... always a reminder.  I am so grateful - even for the pain.  Eddie always said that too.

May today there be peace within.  May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.  May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.  May you be content with yourself just the way you are.  Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  It is there for each and every one of us.

hugs,
lorin

Thursday, June 12, 2014

HALLMARK HOLIDAYS

I had never given much thought to the meaning or purpose of "Mother's Day" or "Father's Day."  I know many refer to them as "Hallmark Holidays," a way to sell more cards.  I certainly can understand this.  Not having a husband to help celebrate for and with my kids on Father's Day is a bit perplexing.  What do they do?  What do they do on that school day when everyone is making their Father's Day gifts?  No doubt they fear the stares, the questions, the "poor you" looks.  I am much more sensitive now to these holidays.  Why can't they just be "Special Friends" Day or "Those That Influenced Us" Day.

My wondering led to a simple question - What is the history of Mother's and Father's Day.  It seems pretty clear in fact - why perhaps being well intended by some person back in time, it was overtaken by advertisers and retailers to sell more goods!  The Hallmark Holiday really isn't such a myth after all.
Certainly "special friends" day might not sell as many gifts as it might not be that personal after all.

Certainly in today's world with all sorts of people that are a "father" or a "mother" to a child, it seems a shame that children in those situations, mine included, don't have an opportunity to celebrate those people on these days as well.

Now if I can just get Hallmark on board.

Monday, May 26, 2014

MORE FIRSTS

First Anniversary - May 25, 2014.  What to do.. what to do.  Nobody had any really great suggestions. It seemed odd to just let the day come and go without any reference of any sort.   We were in Texas so I just wasn't sure what to do to commemorate it as we had been married in LA.

 It would have been 11 years.  I am so grateful we had 10 and that we were able to celebrate it last year before Eddie really took a dive.  What a beautiful memory we created for me.  My wedding day was still the absolute best day of my life… I had waited so long.  I certainly never imagined that would only last 10 years.

SO what did I do?  Eddie had graciously agreed to learn a country and western song for our first dance.  It was Tim McGraw's Best Friend.  So appropriate as he was such my best friend.  So, to mark it in the most unusual way, I put my cowboy boots on and headed to the Fort Worth Stockyards, to Pearls Dance Hall and Saloon.  I found me a real cowboy sort and I danced and danced and danced.  I thought of Eddie and my dancing that first song "quick quick slow … slow… quick quick slow… slow" - counting the steps out to him, making sure we did the twirl just right, remembering everyone around the dance floor clapping and cheering us on.  The best day.  The very best.  I think Eddie would have loved to see me do that for us … dance and count the steps.

Hugs to all,
Lorin

Thursday, April 24, 2014

The Times - They Aren't for the Weak…..


I don't know what is hardest about losing a spouse… is it the loneliness at night when the kids are asleep and the house is quiet - sure you can watch tv alone… but isn't it more fun to embrace a show with someone watching with you?  Is it when you find yourself at some party and you walk in alone and look around and can't find that person that is waiting for you or look to see your special person right there next to you?  Is it when you go somewhere with your kids and they run off to be with their friends and you find yourself alone with the parents but without a spouse as they all have with them?  Is it at the baseball games and basketball games when your kid does some great play and you don't have that person to smile at and say with your eyes "that is our kid!"

It is all of them and more.  

It is when you see someone you know and meet someone new and know that the first thing they are going to say when you walk away is "that is the one I was telling you about that lost her husband.  It is so sad."

It is when you get invited to something and you reply "1" will be attending and when you walk in to a restaurant and have to say "one adult, 2 kids."  Or when someone says "where is your spouse?"  Dead.  

It is a constant reminder.  The everyday of life bombards your mind with the aloneness of it.

Worst of all, it is the knowledge that you don't have that ONE person that you had before - the one that is always there for you, that helps you take a step back from an emotional situation, that hand slaps you and chuckles at your kids accomplishments, that tells you you are wonderful just the way you are and that hugs you and kisses you right before you go to sleep. 

The aloneness is all around you.  Always.

Hugs to all, 
Lorin  

More Signs

I didn't realize it has been so long since I have posted.   My last "sign" from Eddie was pretty magical but there have been even more.  I love them and think of them over and over in my mind.

A week or so after the text one I was telling a friend how hard it is to grieve the loss FOR Eddie.  Sure, I miss him, my kids miss him but we are alive and busy and have to keep going.  When I stop, when I am in the quiet of life, I feel the grief FOR Eddie - I grieve for what he misses and doesn't get to be a part of here.  WIth that, my friend said, "but perhaps he is and the text and other signs are his way of really showing you he is here seeing it all with you."  I told her I hoped so.  After that, I left and went to a store for a friend.  I quickly called her to ask which brand of something she wanted.  My touches were simple - phone, favorites, friend number.  After we hung up and I was in the check out line, I heard chimes.  Very unusual chimes.  I look around and finally realize the chimes are coming from my phone.  I look down, press menu and swipe it and up pops:


I don't know how these things happen but I know it happened.

More recently, we went to our temple's family camp.  We were outside at the morning shabbat service, a very special place for Eddie.  Just as the Rabbi said, "it is now time to turn our thoughts to those that came before us."  With that, a huge black and white monarch butterfly (which has been the butterfly before) flew down, flew straight to Dylan, fluttered in her face a bit and then flew around and out of the area we were in.  It was awesome and even Dylan asked me later "Mom, did you see that butterfly?  It flew right at me."  I loved that she noticed.  

It does make one wonder… could he possibly be around us?  I hope so.

Hugs to all, Lorin